Of Liars and Cheaters

Today, I plan to make it up for lost time with my best friend. We haven't seen each other for days and I really miss her so much. So I planned to treat her out for a movie and since The Vow is in cinemas. I sent her a message to meet me in the theater. I got there first--just 15 minutes before the first showing comes up. She was on her way. I bought two tickets for us and waited for her. I was a bit hungry so I thought of buying some popcorn and drinks for us. While I was at the counter, I turned my head around the area looking for a sign of my best friend when I suddenly caught a familiar face...a very familiar face: my boyfriend... with another woman. Well, that pretty much settles everything.

I was shaking when I paid at the counter. I wanted to go to him and punch him in the face but he already went inside the theater. So I gave him a message asking if the woman who's with him is his girlfriend. He replied like he was oblivious to the situation. He's a total jerk. When I told him that I was in the theater he finally told the truth...through text messaging. (gawd! he doesn't even have the balls to be honest!) Thank God my best friend arrived and I tried to hide my shaking. My best friend hates him to the core. Now I know why.

The movie was already starting when we went inside and I couldn't internalize the first scenes because of what I had seen. He was texting me trying to apologize (which was pointless and downright bullsh*t) and that he wants to be a better man and that he tried to work things out between us (he was talking nonsense). I said my last goodbye (it was futile to continue with the crap) and told him that he was the biggest mistake that ever happened in my life.

It was ironic experiencing those things while watching a romantic movie. I was more than glad that my best friend was there to support me. She made me laugh and we made silly jokes while watching the movie and I realized how much I missed her. I realized how so much time I had wasted with dating and having relationships with a bunch of A holes. I was more than determined to pick myself up and get on with my life.

I cried a tear or two when the movie ended. Partly because I'm hurt but mostly because I'm relieved. Relieved that I knew about it before it was too late. The movie showed unconditional love and proved that if things are meant to be...they will be. I want to believe that there's someone meant for me too. Maybe not now, but there will be. I deserve a chance to happiness. I'll search for my ever after...no matter what it takes.

Transformation

What if everything you believed in crashed before your very eyes? I was dead silent when my world was in chaos until I found out that something inside of me wasn't right. I changed...from the inside. And from a little boil, it became a disease that consumed my being. I don't feel human anymore. It seemed like no one else understands me. I feel so alone that I wanted to scream from all this pain. I am in agony. My mind's clouded, my hands rolled into fists, my teeth clenched with hatred and disgust. I hate me. I hate what has become of me. I couldn't control my anger any longer. This is madness. I cry in angst. Tears raced down my cheeks. I lost control. The sadness welled inside of me. Loneliness piled up. I could feel my blood boiling inside of me...pulsating. I hate this. I hate me.

Last Goodbye

January 2, 2009 11:30 PM

I’m sorry for being indifferent to you. But this is how it should be. There are a lot of things on my mind right now. There are so many things left unsaid. You were trying to avoid those issues. Are you afraid? I want to ask you a lot of questions. I just wanted to know a little truth. Doubts have already filled my mind. I want them gone with you. I know I’m being mean, but this is how I protect myself from being hurt again. What I’m really trying to say is that, we just can’t be friends.

Letter to a Jerk

January 2, 2009 11:30 PM

I was really f******* pissed at you. You were asking for something I could not give. I was really hoping that you would understand. I was trying to be a good friend because you think we could but you weren't being one. You're always crossing the line. You're hitting below the belt. What's wrong with you? Can't you see that I was considering you as a friend? Just a friend... you were not an exemption. I'm not the kind of person who expose their whole life to the world. You can't understand the fact that people have their own perspectives in life. You don't know how to respect other people's ideologies or opinions. You only care about yourself.

What an egocentric b**** you've become! You always thought that people want your advices. You don't even know how to listen because you always feel that you have to give your f******** advice. I was not pressing you any ideology of mine! Nobody told you to take it! You were the one who forces your damn ideologies to others because you don't know how to acknowledge, understand or respect theirs! We are entitled to our own opinions. Everybody has his/her own "ideology", personality or character. That's what makes people unique.

Maybe you should build your own religion or cult wherein people would have the same damn ideology as you have. You think you're so damn good in what you do but you don't even know how it is to be a FRIEND! you don't know how to be a FRIEND! You only care about yourself.

When I told you about him, it was hard for me because you were an ex. I only wanted you to listen, to be my friend. I didn't ask you to give me advice or lecture me about anything but you did it anyhow. You don't understand that do you? You don't feel any empathy. I doubt it if you even know that word. I am not trying to put up a wall on myself! People like you make me do it! And for one fact... some people do know me in one piece. Because they are good friends. They know how to be one.

i've told you before...we could never be friends. You hate me because I'm the opposite of you. We're like two poles. Two ends could never meet unless you flatten the world and flip it! You don't even know the difference between mock and sarcasm. I was really hurt by what you said.

There is that part of you that I really do appreciate. But as i see it, it's just a little percentage. I don't even know you anymore...

Well, people do change. And you're one hell of a metamorphosis! From a moth to a maggot...

I'm gonna stop now... we're hurting each other. I regret the day that I've met you, that I've loved you. that I even cared about you. Goodbye. You can now go to hell.

Just Another Day

July 8, 2008 at 8:29 am

My heart's racing with the all the things that's bogging my mind. And I'm so sick and tired of the people who judge and accuse me on the actions that I did not willingly or intentionally do! I'm just human. I'm not so d**n perfect! Why do you keep on hurting me just because you believe I'm wrong or I've said something I did not mean (Whatever the hell it is).This is ME! Just because I've wronged you once or twice you're going to be mad at me or you'd totally ignore me even though you know me for a quite a long time. Well I'll be damned! What's your problem!? I'm just human! I may have faults but that doesn't mean I'm not substantial. I'm deeper than that! It really hurts me to see those stares and feel the pressure when you don't know or believe that you've been judged unknowingly. You got a problem?! Tell it straight to my face! I can deal with that! Beat me physically! I can handle that! But stare, ignore, or stab me at the back? That's unfair! It's like I've been in the Wanted list before I've done any crime! Let's be mature! Is that all you can do? If you do not want me, tell me! D*mn it! I won't f*** around if that's what you want! Just tell me!!! I'll be civil to you anyhow. Life's got the better of me since time indefinite. I may be strong and a bitch in the outside, but I've got sensitivity. And that's what makes me human. Give me some peace of mind!I hate stress. I hate to be neglected, to be rejected. I've been hurt so many times that if you'll cut me open you'll see scars, wounds and bruises in my heart. And I keep bleeding. Don't bleed me fast. Let me live longer by giving me peace. I would really like to be able to sleep every night with  a less burden and with soundness of mind that would tell me in my dreams that it's just another day.

One Unfortunate Day with Frank

June 27, 2008 at 11:11 pm

I woke up at 5 o’clock in the morning. My eyes were tired
from the evening’s work. I dragged my feet to go to the bathroom. The lights
were out. There was no electricity. The rain outside was pouring heavily. I
groped in the dark just to prepare for school. I have to rush because I have to
be in school before 7am. Wearing my CHN uniform, holding my bag in one hand and
my umbrella in the other, I went out of our one-storey boarding house. A strong
wind struck me. The rain’s been pouring non-stop. I decided not to go on duty.
I changed into my civilian clothes and waited for text messages from my
classmates that our duty was cancelled. It was Saturday. June 21, 2008.

I went back to sleep and caught my sister getting ready for
work when I woke up. I was hungry so I decided to go with her and have some
lunch. Armed with our umbrellas, we fought the wind and rain just to get out on
the streets and call a taxi. We ate our lunch in Iloilo Supermart Mandurriao an
hour past noon and bought some groceries. Afterwards, we went to her office because
she has to finish some articles for the Sunday and Monday issues of a local
newspaper. She told me that it would be fast and we won’t stay long so we can
go home early. While she was working on her computer, I skimmed the pages of
yesterday’s issue of the paper and constantly watched the time.

It was two in the afternoon when an employee knocked on the
glass window of the office and instructed us to turn off the computers because
the flood entered the first storey of the building and the workers were trying
to salvage the generator. Evacuees from the nearby houses climbed to the office
at the second floor of the building. The water has risen at an incredibly fast
rate. It was almost four feet high. The workers tried to move the chemicals and paper for printing to higher ground, but they weren’t able to save the
machines. The phone lines were dead. There was no electricity. There was no
food and water. The employees and evacuees looked outside the window as the
flood rose to another foot high. I heard heavy sighs and sobs. The neighbors
have abandoned their homes to save their lives. Cold and hungry, they cramped
in the common room. The employees gave out dry clothes for them to wear.

I took the 3-month old baby among them and changed his
clothes. His eyes were irritated so I wiped it with a clean washcloth and
handed him to my sister. I was relieved when my friend, who lives across our
boarding house texted me that the flood hasn’t reached our place.

My sister shared our groceries with the evacuees, knowing
that they were hungry. Cell phone
batteries and load were used up for emergency text and calls. Everybody seems
to worry about somebody despite the situation. I became anxious. I received a text
message from my classmate in Jaro. He was asking for help. The flood has
reached their one-storey house in Sambag and they evacuated to the neighbor’s
two-storey house. They weren’t able to save anything and he could barely carry
his brother who suffers from cerebral palsy and his mother who is hypertensive.
My heart sank as I replied that there is nothing that I could do because I’m
stranded myself and the lines were dead.

I tried to block my mind from imagining how worse were
things are. Then a message from my friend went through. It said, “Don! Gabaha
na gid d! (It's flooding here.)”. It was four in the afternoon. Worry registered on my face as I thought about our bags, shoes, clothes, books, my uniforms, and my 9-page
family assessment that I wrote last night ‘til twilight. I could see the same worry register upon my sister’s face. There was nothing we can do. Hopelessness overruled us.

As night crept in, we lighted candles. We tried to find our
own places for warmth. All of us were hungry and cold. Some employees brought
food for dinner from the main house. Our dinner was composed of steamed rice,
pancit canton and fish. We don’t have any plates or utensils in hand so we used
paper or plastic. My sister took some food for the both of us. Tears gathered
in my eyes but I did not cry. I was thankful enough that we had something to
eat. Most don’t have any. I was thinking of the people who lost their homes,
the children, the elderly and the pregnant women. Obviously, the city wasn’t
prepared for it and I kept asking myself what went wrong.

After dinner, I closed my eyes and wished that it wasn’t
real. By the time we woke up in the
morning, the flood has already subsided. The water was still a foot high but
there was no rain. We walked the path from the building to the main road. One
thing’s on our mind: Home. My sister kept screaming as we walked. There were
worms in the water. I lost a slipper when we arrived at the main road and I
walked barefooted to a hitched vehicle.

As we drove home, there was no sign of the old airport. It
was flooded. A truck blocked the road and trees were uprooted causing traffic.
The creeks overflowed. Homes were shattered and the people were standing at the
roadside begging for alms. There were cows, pigs and goats on the road. Mud was
everywhere, thick and brown. The sky began to drizzle. The clouds were still
dark. The city was devastated.

The vehicle dropped us to our street and we gladly thanked
him. We walked down to our place. As we approached our boarding house,
frustration, anger and desperation tore me into pieces as I muttered curses
under my breath. Cleaning up was the hardest part and recovery was a long-term
goal.

Take It Easy

June 3, 2008 at 5:39 am

I've been listening to the song "Say Hello" for days and I never got tired of it. I'm not usually into this kind of music, however, I've learned to like it through "someone". He's special for me in a way that he taught me how to take life easy and simple. I admire him for that, although he doesn't know it. A peek into his life would let you see how happy you would be if you learn to appreciate little things in your life. He told me to value the people in my life but never to dwell on things I'm going to leave behind. The advices that he gave me didn't make me feel better (haha!) but it helped me in going through things and finding what's best for me.

Goals are really hard to set if you don't know in the first place what you really want to do in your life and for the rest of it. It would also be harder to think that you can do things altogether at the same time 'cause you feel that you are capable of doing them. Well, I'm not superwoman at all. But then, when opportunities come your way, you would grab it right? I've been there. And I'm still there. I'm the kind of person who would mess things up because I want a change in my routine. I always wanted to be different, I always wanted something else. I just can't get it out of my system (sighs).

I know it would be hard to decide, knowing in my heart that one will make me happy and the other would make the most important person to me happy. It really sucks knowing that you can't take both of them at the same time and that you have to sacrifice one. But then again, "someone" told me to do it one at a time if I can't take both. And I believe in him.

I don't know how he made me trust him so much. If it's because of the song or the changes that he brought to my life or his mere existence, I don't know. I have faith in him.